For those of you not familiar with Twitter, it is a way to tell everyone you know what you are doing at all times (and I mean all times). Of course you friends are all doing the same thing leading to a big custer f*ck of messaging going back and forth all about nothing more than what kind of sandwich you are eating.

Then someone decided it could be used for Twittering Steven Wright (and fake but very good Steven Wright) quips.

Here is a sample:

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 07:47 AM June 07, 2007 from web

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 03:29 PM June 06, 2007 from web

In school they told me “practice makes perfect.” Then they told me “nobody’s perfect.” So then I stopped practicing. 01:51 PM June 04, 2007 from web

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn’t get a birthmark until he was eight years old. 09:55 PM June 03, 2007 from web

I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit but it wouldn’t matter. 09:06 AM June 01, 2007 from web

My girlfriend got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper. 07:45 PM May 31, 2007 from web

I met her at Macy’s. She was shopping; I was putting Slinky’s on the escalator. 01:52 PM May 31, 2007 from web

I have an existential map. It has “You are here” written all over it. 06:04 AM May 30, 2007 from web

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is — it’s always room temperature. 03:51 PM May 29, 2007 from web

On my walls I have pictures of the rooms on the second floor, so I never have to go upstairs. 05:44 PM May 28, 2007 from web

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. 10:11 AM May 26, 2007 from web

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said “No, I made a few mistakes.” 03:12 PM May 24, 2007 from web

I lost a button hole today. 09:10 AM May 23, 2007 from web

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? 10:42 PM May 21, 2007 from web

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it. 11:30 PM May 20, 2007 from web

If God dropped acid, would he see people? 01:19 PM May 20, 2007 from web

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before. 11:27 AM May 19, 2007 from web

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology — the study of milkmen. 11:24 AM May 18, 2007 from web

I spilled Spot Remover on my dog. Now he’s gone. 05:52 PM May 17, 2007 from web

They also have an RSS feed

steven wright

This entry was posted on Friday, June 8th, 2007 at 4:33 pm by Insider and is filed under Brilliant, but uncategorizable. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.