Canada Grants Citizenship to Hans Island’s Rocks; ‘We Welcome Our 13,925,637 New Granite-Canadian Countrymen,” says Prime Minister
In a stunning move that recasts the Danish-Canadian conflict over remote Arctic speck Hans Island, Canada has granted full citizenship to all 13,925,637 of the islands’ rocks.
According to Canadian elections officials, 100% affirmed their allegiance to Canada by staying put when any who favored Danish citizenship were asked to take one step forward.
“Canada is one of the world’s most diverse nations,” said Prime Minister Paul Martin. “And we are extending our inclusiveness to all … objects within our borders. At least those near prime fishing grounds.”
“Look, Denmark,” Martin continued, “You had your chance a thousand years ago in Newfoundland. You blew it. Now buzz off. We’ve got a lot to do here, first of which is to build a Liquor Control Board store.”
The full panoply of Canadian social programs will be available to the new citizens, as soon as facilitators are able to determine what their needs actually are. “Their health is certainly an issue,” noted Martin. “We see poor immunization protocols and lots of fractures. Fortunately, they’re used to sitting around for long periods of time, which is excellent preparation for the health care system.”
It is expected that the new citizens may be of great use in the building trades and highway construction. “Walls, too,” commented Martin. “And curling.”
Questions remain. Since the inhabitants of Hans Island are unable to communicate, it is unclear whether signage and printed materials must be offered in English, French, or both. Debate is scheduled for next week in Parliament and is expected to take a month.
Canadian Forces announced plans to fortify the island any time now. “The outboard’s in the shop,” said Lieutenant Pierre McTavish of CFB Halifax. “We’re waiting on parts.”
A somewhat addled Neil Young, contacted to pad out this article, said “The islands and bays are for sportsmen … what kind of lyric is that?”
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See our other posts on this developing story:
Update 3 (August 4): Hans Island Update: Danish Expeditionary Force Sets Sail
Update 1 (July 31): Weekend Edition: Battle For Hans Island Spreads from Google to Blogosphere: CRISIS in the ARCTIC!
Original Story (July 28): We May Not Be Able To Project Military Power, But Our Ad Copy Will Make You Surrender!
Technorati Tags: canada, hans island
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August 2nd, 2005 at 1:26 pm
“Since the inhabitants of Hans Island are unable to communicate, it is unclear whether signage and printed materials must be offered in English, French, or both.”
Typical of Canadian ethnocentrism it doesn’t occur to them that the rocks speak Greenlandic, a dialect of Inuit. The rocks don’t have a voice?!! I beg you….. Heard this before?!!
According to Naalakkersuisut (the Greenland Government) the rocks characterizes the ‘bargain’ as a “Canadamiut tiguaapput” (Canadian occupation) and express their dissatisfaction unequivocal: “Tartupalummit peeritsi, Inupiluk!” (Hands Off, slette mennesker!). A spokesman for the Greenland Government declare: “Iasilakasik!” (We expect the worst!)
http://www.sermitsiaq.gl/
August 2nd, 2005 at 9:16 pm
fight the battle out on the Web. Denmark has 496 troops tied up in that whole “Coalition of the Willing” business in Iraq right now, so they’re doing the same. But if things get out of hand, look for a bitching Rock, Paper, Scissors fight. UPDATE: Things are heating up! Canadian Forces announced plans to fortify the island any time now. “The outboard’s in the shop,” said Lieutenant Pierre McTavish of CFB Halifax. “We’re waiting on parts.”
August 12th, 2005 at 3:28 am
Can Canada decide where the borderline is or should this be decided in Whitehall - QE is still runs the show and I am sure we can handle this in Europe without involving the colonists at all
August 13th, 2005 at 7:27 am
Why on’t we share the Island. It would be nice to have a boarder to Canada. Concerning the rights of passage whith ships then I can just say that it is international waters and every one can pass through the area.
August 21st, 2005 at 3:35 am
Radio Free Hans Island supports a strong, local, independent Hans Island, neither Danish nor Canadian, although we encourage an ongoing dialogue with both countries and others to help secure a prosperous, secure future for native Hans Islanders wherever they may live.
January 19th, 2006 at 7:34 pm
All you Commie Sons-A-Bitches should stop complaining about how bad Canada is. It’s those Danes who are the real villains. Stop using Mr.Martin as a scapegoat and blame the real bad guys… the Danish. Hans Island is Canada’s birthright, all those Danes ever do is whine and claim land that isn’t their’s. And all you Pro Greenlandic-Speaking Hippies should shut up too.